A Welcome Vacation

I'm not here. I've put my imaginary "do not disturb" sign on. I'm going on a mental vacation.

I'm at the airport, but I haven't decided where to go yet. I look at the departures board. Mexico is nice, but I'm too exhausted to bother to speak Spanish. Austria's too cold this time of year. The only place I would really want to go to in the Bahamas is Atlantis, and I really don't have the bank account for that right now. Florida is surprisingly cold this time of year. I love Costa Rica, but I was just there. Hawai'i? That sounds like a nice change of scene.

I board the plane and drift off into a deep sleep to the soothing tune of the American Airlines safety video music. Mmmhmhmmm...

A flight attendant wakes me up. I seem to have caught up on all the sleep I've missed over the past 2 months in one single flight. I step off the plane carrying only a backpack full of necessities and hail a cab. I politely ask to be taken to the nearest beach and receive a warm answer. Why can't people be this nice up north? I think. I don't even mind that it takes us half an hour to get to the beach. I need to slow down.

I pay the fare and step out of the car. Either this guy really likes me or he just wanted to rack up his cab fair because this is the most gorgeous beach I've ever seen. A few locals and I are the only patrons of this paradise today. I set up my towel and spend what seems like a lifetime simply watching the waves go in and out, feeling the sun warm my face, letting the soft crashing of the waves lull me into a trance. It's been a long winter and I need sunlight like Lindsay Lohan needs tabloid attention. This scene is perfect...but something's missing.

In my trance I find myself vacationing from my vacation. I'm out of the moment. I soar back to the RHS auditorium, to a scene where I'm laughing at Ian's ridiculous Gaston costume or intently listening to Jon describe the latest Wolverine comic book. I'm a sophomore, holding back tears as Clare and George sing "A Little Fall of Rain". I'm feeling the thrill of spinning a flag in the middle of Downtown Disney World as a freshman. I'm cuddled up to Russ watching a movie at home. I'm running through the streets of Dinklesbuhl, Germany, with Carolyn, Sarah and Mike trying not to get caught at that rock concert. I didn't need to spend all of this money to get away. I didn't need to literally escape to escape. All I needed was to get out.

My Hands They Shake, My Head It Spins

I think I've forgotten what it feels like not to be busy. I have a feeling my head is going to explode in the next two weeks, what with the musical, school, the middle school guard, and attempting to pick a college. At the same time, though, I feel useless when I'm not busy. This stress is mostly self-inflicted. Therefore I will try to visualize it the best way I know how: put it in a list.

Circumstances Increasing My Stress Level

• Beauty and the Beast opens in 10 days. My high school musical theatre career will be over in 13 days. That doesn't seem right.
  
• Chip's cart (which I have to push with one hand for most of the show) weighs a zillion pounds and is pretty hard to maneuver and I have very little arm strength nowadays. You'd think that color guard would make me stronger but I can hardly lift my 30 pound dog. So not only is the cart frustrating, it also makes me feel like a weakling. I can work with what I've been given, though, I'll figure it out.
  
• We have yet to run through an entire act beginning to end.
  
• My voice is slowly being beaten into the ground but I don't have the willpower to go on vocal rest. I tried today but kinda forgot about 20 minutes after I woke up and kind of gave up. Fail.
  
• My Spanish teacher has taught us one of the three topics on our test tomorrow. Cool, Senora.
  
• I'm letting myself go. I set the intention to work out everyday but just get tired. I also tell myself that I'm going to bed before 11 every night and don't actually enter my room until 11:30. Damn you, Olympics.
  
• I have yet to finish teaching the middle school color guard their show. They have a competition in a month.
  
• My senioritis is keeping me from doing anything productive.
  
• I still don't have a definite first choice college. My mom isn't helping in the process much either, since every time I express positive feelings for a school she finds something wrong with it. I guess she just wants me to think about it. Thinking is too emotionally draining.
  
• I really want to write some new music but I either don't have time to or have major writer's block. I am a frustrated artist.
  

I think these stress-inducing factors necessitate a Brightsides list.

Brightsides 2/21/10

1. I finished a non-required reading book, Looking for Alaska by John Green, for the first time in a long time a week ago. I absolutely loved it and it gave me a lot to think about in terms of my relationships with people and life in general. It's a powerful, funny and obviously thought-provoking novel that I would recommend to anyone.
   
2. Televised figure skating and ice dancing makes me happy. I think ballroom dancing should be an Olympic sport. I mean, ice dancing is basically ballroom on ice. They both require almost the same amount of athleticism. Maybe someday...
3. Despite the stress it causes me, the show is actually coming together nicely. I recommend seeing it if you're in the area (shameless plug).
   
4. I spent a lovely weekend at Drexel. :)
5. While in the city I discovered Buffalo Exchange (thanks to Miss Carolyn Haynes), a Plato's Closet/Goodwill-esque store that buys and sells adorable gently used clothes. Somehow I managed to find a gorgeous Betsey Johnson dress that was originally $165 for $32. Win.
   
6. I'm seeing Coheed & Cambria in May!
7. I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend who makes me incredibly happy. :)
8. I'm going on a cruise to Bermuda with my dad's family in August! I love cruises, and now I can gamble at the on-board casino, which may or may not be a good thing. :-P
9. My music teacher's adorable German Sheppard puppy makes rehearsals much cuter.
   
10. I learned how to play "You and I" by Ingrid Michaelson on ukulele. I may be cliche, but it's a cute song.
    

The Middle

I think I've got cabin fever. Thanks to the Snowpocalypse of 2o10, I've been stuck in my house since Tuesday night. School's been closed and it's too cold to go out and I don't even own a sled so I wouldn't have anything to do anyway. So all I can do is sit in my house, not do my homework and think about how lost in the world I am. I don't have a clue who I am. I mean, I guess I'm still forming an idea of who I am. Ever since I moved to Pennsylvania in fourth grade my life has been a series of questions...

Am I a New Yorker or a Philadelphian?
Am I a Catholic or...nothing?
Am I liberal or conservative?
Am I a feminist?
Do I value my family or my friends more? Is that a stupid question?
Do I really want to be an actress/writer/director/journalist/assistant to the regional manager?
Am I pro-life or pro-choice?
Do I really believe in all this alternative medicine that my mom has based her career on (i.e. Feng Shui, homeopathic medicine)?
Why do I feel uncomfortable discussing my personal life with people while I love hearing what other people are doing and feel like I have to keep up?
Do I want to go to school far away or nearby?
Am I really a part of the Class of 2010?
Am I missing out on the normal high school party experience?


Why can't I be fine the way I am?

The answers to most these questions have always been "in between". Most of my conscious years have been spent in the suburbs of Philly, but because of my family New York will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe I'll end up moving there someday. I didn't really like NYU when I visited it and sometimes I have a hard time explaining to adamant NYU-lovers why. I guess I'm just not ready to be thrust into the big city just yet. I'll take some baby steps before I can get myself there. I always knew I never belonged in Jersey. Even today the people I knew then are pretty different from myself. I needed to be somewhere a little more down to earth.

I guess I'm a Catholic in practice; I go to church as often as I can, I believe in God...I just don't have another explanation for why things are the way they are. I looked out onto the gorgeous mountains and valleys and rainforests of Costa Rica and I just thought...this can't be an accident. But at the same time the Catholic church itself makes me angry - the hierarchy, the shunning - it's kind of dumb. We should love everyone regardless of who they love or whatever choices they've made in their life. I guess I'm somewhere in between pro-life and pro-choice. I would never feel comfortable killing something that does have life and energy, but I'm not going to shun someone who has made that choice. Sometimes there's no other option. And why the hell should Congress decide what I do with my body for me? The majority of them are upper class men in their 50s and 60s, they don't know how I feel, or how some poor woman who can't even support herself feels. And yeah, I think men and women are all created equal, but I'm not a feminist. I'm not radical. Shit, I don't even know if I'm liberal. I'm so conservative in my own conduct - I'm not one to riot, I don't drink or do drugs, I cover up, there's a certain degree of comfort I think you should have with a person before you risk making babies with them - but politically, I'm pretty liberal.

I don't have an answer for the rest of the questions. I love my parents, but sometimes I need to get away from them. I guess that's healthy. I have my own life. I probably won't know what I want to do with my life until I try everything. Maybe this screenwriting thing will work out, maybe it won't. I won't know until I try. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done, but sometimes I have a hard time sharing it with people. I want to share girl talk with my friends but at the same time I'm afraid of being judged on what I have or have not done. It's dumb, but I guess it comes with being a girl. I'll shake it soon enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the high school party scene, but truthfully I've never even been comfortable watching a bunch of people who I barely know get shit-faced. I'm one for small hang-outs. Senior week may promise a mix of this, and I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to learn how stick to my own values without sounding like a judgmental mom, all while actually having FUN. I work so hard that sometimes I forget what it feels like to have fun.

So I guess all these answers will come in due course. I know I'm going to change throughout my life. There's no definitive answer to the question of who I am, there's only the question of who I am right now. The journey comes in being comfortable with who I am right now. And that's what I need to work on.

My Life's in Lists.

10 Songs I'm Digging Right Now:
1. Hit or Miss (Waited Too Long) - New Found Glory
2. 21 Guns - Green Day & the Cast of American Idiot the Musical (which is coming to Broadway!)
3. Walking the Dog - Fun.
4. Free Coffee - Ben Folds
5. Nicest Thing - Kate Nash
6. Help I'm Alive - Metric
7. Eat - Jack Conte
8. I'm Ready, I am - The Format
9. Quelqu'um M'a Dit - Carla Bruni (Yes, that is the first lady of France)
10. Lisztomania - Phoenix (I shouldn't have judged them on "1901" alone. They rock.)

5 Things I Want:
1. A MacBook. I feel this strong urge to turn this blog into a vlog. I've always loved making videos of my adventures in the world and am generally a very visual person. However, Microsoft just doesn't want me to make quality videos. I'm really sick of Windows MovieMaker. Not to mention the last time I tried to make a video using my webcam and post it to YouTube, it turned out all screwy. Though I've been a PC my whole life, I feel it's only practical to change at this point. I want to make videos, I want to make music. I want a Mac.
2. Some semblance of solidarity among my senior class. That's all.
3. The Olympics! I want them to be on now! I need my figure skating/Apollo Ohno in spandex fix.
4. A bigger iPod. I'm actually almost out of room on my Touch for the first time in forever.
5. A signed copy of Julia Nunes' new EP. Maybe I can write it off as a post-midterms present. That is, if I make it through this week...

3 Albums to Pick Up Now:
1. Transference - Spoon. This is a return to old-school Spoon. It's a little less clean than Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga, which I love. This album is full of great guitar riffs, drawn out jams, and just songs to chill out to. The sound overall is very raw and organic, like they just picked up their instruments and hit the record button. Some standout tracks include "Goodnight Laura", "Got Nuffin", "I Saw The Light" and "Is Love Forever?"
2. My Dinosaur Life - Motion City Soundtrack. Every song on this album is super-catchy. The lyrics are awesome, creative, and very relatable. It's full of ups and downs, dark moments paired with upbeat spirit-boosters. MCS makes some really great pop-punk-rock-whatever you call it. Key tracks include "The Weakends", "Disappear", "Her Words Destroyed My Planet", "Worker Bee".
3. Contra - Vampire Weekend. This is a fantastic follow up to the band's debut self-titled album. Vampire Weekend's classic prep school stories paired with African beats can be found on this album, with some new additions, such as auto-tune. The Columbia boys have established a sound, but not quite a formula, which in my opinion is a good thing. They're not afraid to take a few risks which definitely work. Some of my faves include "Holiday", "California English", "Diplomat's Son", "Run", "Cousins".

1 Song That Describes The Culmination of My High School Career:
"On Your Porch" - The Format. Give it a listen.

The Bright Side

FACT: I am not nearly as positive as I am on this blog in real life. I'm insecure, anxious, and always get wrapped up in other people's problems. That's going to change. It has to. I need to become more like the strong person people think I am. I guess by focusing on the positive aspects of my life and the things I'm excited for I can erase some of this negativity and anxiety. So I'm going to start posting occasional lists of things I am excited for and things that make me happy. We'll call these "The Brightsides".

Brightsides 1/7/10

1. There's a very good possibility that I will at least have a two-hour delay tomorrow. Thank you snow gods.
2. I'm into 3 colleges :).
3. I'm going to a prom tomorrow night. For band.
4. I'm playing an Elvis-themed gig Saturday night at school with my band, the Upstairs Sound! It's been so long since we've played a show together and I miss rocking out on stage with them. Stop by if you're in the area!
5. I've got my first rehearsal for Beauty and the Beast on Sunday. Now that shall be interesting.
6. It looks like I'm recovering from whatever cold-type illness I've had for the past few days.
7. Costa Rica was so awesome and warm and just what I needed. I SAW MONKEYS! Thank you, Marty and Lyndea, for picking a totally kickass place to have your wedding.
8. I am absolutely determined to go to Bamboozle this year, despite the fact that it's right before my AP tests. And Warped Tour. It's going to happen.

9. I got a pretty dress from Kate Cummings, a new designer that my cousin is currently working for. I may be have a bit of familial bias, but her designs are pretty, simple and not too over the top. Her clothes all have a bit of an updated 60s feel to them, which I adore. Here I am wearing the dress at the wedding:

Check out Kate Cummings!
10. So much good music is coming out in the next few weeks. I'm particularly excited for Vampire Weekend's Contra. They've been streaming the album on their Myspace for a few days and I love everything I've heard thus far! I'm also particularly stoked for Motion City Soundtrack's My Dinosaur Life. If the first two singles ("Disappear" and "Her Words Destroyed My Planet") are any indication of what the rest of the album is going to be like, I'm expecting a pretty rockin' collection of tunes.

I feel better already. :)

Auld Lang Syne

I really wish I had the time and energy to write in this even once a week. I apologize to all 10 of you who read this blog for my posts being few and far between. I thought things were going to calm down a little this month, but I was sorely mistaken. Apparently taking on even partial responsibility for a choir that has less than a month to rehearse for a public concert is very time consuming. Not to mention I am now responsible for making sure that 20 something middle schoolers don't bludgeon themselves with 5 1/2 ft. metal poles once a week. Luckily, my winter break commenced about an hour and a half ago and I am relatively free for the next 12 days, 6 of which I will be spending in Costa Rica! Even though I'll miss seeing some of my friends who are home from college, I will definitely appreciate the warm weather and ample opportunities for sleep. Lord knows I need both of those right now.

Since you probably won't hear from me until the new year, some obligatory end of 2009 thoughts seem to be in order. This year has been a 365 day roller-coaster. I've gotten to know some really amazing, talented people and have some truly life-changing experiences. Hell, my life in general has changed so much since last year. So, I figured I'd sum the whole thing up in a generic survey. How conformist of me.

2009: In The Beginning
Where did you go on New Years?: Amanda's house!
Who were you with?: Amanda, my parents, her parents.
Did you kiss anyone on newyears?: Nope
Did you make any resolutions?: Eh, if I did, I probably forgot them the next day :-p

2009: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?: Definitely, but not completely
Did you dye your hair?: Nope, I like my natural color too much.
Did you get your hair cut?: Many a time.
Did you change your style?: Sort of?
Were you in school?: Indeed.
Did you get good grades?: Mmhm.
Did you have a job?: Occasional babysitting, I'm too busy to hold down a real one at the moment.
Did you drive?: Yes! Got my license, finally!
Did anyone close to you give birth?: Possibly my cousin? Or was that last year?
Did you move at all?: For six weeks to Syracuse :)
Did you go on any vacations?: Yep, Canandaigua, South Carolina, and Orlando. And all up and down the east coast for college visits but that so doesn't count.
Did you leave the country at all?: Nope, but I will be soon!

2009: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?: Nope
Did you meet anyone special?: Well, got to know them better :D
Did you fall in love?: :)
Did anyone break up with you?: Nope

2009: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year? A whole bunch
Did any of your friendships end?: End, no. Did I drift from people? Sure.
Did you dislike anyone?: Eh, sure.
Did you make any new enemies? I hope not.
Did you resolve any fights? I don't think there were any big ones to resolve.
Who were your closest friends?: They know who they are. :)
Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?: Not particularly. Everything is a learning process.
What are you thinking about?: This survey and the fact that I need to take the dog out eventually.

So there you have it. 2009 was a good year. Trying at times, definitely stressful, but I don't regret anything. I've learned so much, I've picked up the pieces from last year, and I think I'm on the road to happiness. Unfortunately, it's a very long road and I'm a pretty impatient person. But if I have one New Year's Resolution, it would be to slow down and take things one day at a time. Shit, I'm graduating in 6 months. I bought one of those huge prom magazines as I always do just for fun and realized that I actually have a prom to attend this year. Everything I've looked forward to in the past four years is coming so fast. It really doesn't feel real at all. Some days I think I'm still a little junior aching to get out of here. Then I look around and realize that I'm the oldest person in the hallway. It'll all be over soon. Half of me is excited and the other half just wants everything to slow down. The best that I can do is just live in the moment and try not to take anything for granted. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.

To all of my friends, family, people I look up to, etc., I just want you all to know how happy I am to have you in my life. It's true. You all make everything a zillion times more bearable and can pull me out of any emotional ditch I find myself in. I hope I can do the same for all of you.

And now I'm going to be a girl:

"But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it's Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect."

Why did I wait so long to see that movie?

Just in Time for the Holiday Season...

Why do I agitate myself by watching/reading/looking at anything created by the Westboro Baptist Church? Anything they say just makes my blood boil. Trust me, this is one of the few times I will ever speak ill of anyone on this blog, but I kind of can't stay silent on this one. People like them are why people look at me funny when I say I'm a Catholic. I have no shame, though. The majority of Christians really aren't that radical, myself in particular. Hell, I'm the most liberal Catholic you'll meet. To me the main principle of Christianity is love. "Love thy neighbor as thyself". Why shouldn't that apply to everyone, regardless of their sexual preference? And yes, I am pro-life...but I am not anti-choice. God gave us the free will to make our own decisions. We should have the freedom to educate ourselves and make the right choice for ourselves. So yes, I believe in God, and no, I won't shove a crucifix down your throat. I love you as you are, regardless of who you pray to, where you're from, or who you love.

Now that I've finished my ideological rant, I can digress to slightly more mundane things. Thanksgiving was a nice break, lots to be thankful for this year. For one, I got a part in the musical! I'll be playing Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast at school in the spring. I'm really excited for the show to start. Despite the insanity and drama of it all, I love the show. I love bonding with everyone during rehearsals, the dancing, listening to the music with the orchestra once everything comes together. I think I'm writing this down now so I can look back on it whenever I have a stressful moment or any frustration concerning any member of the creative team or cast. There's a reason why I've stuck it out for so long. I've always loved acting. Sure, it got tedious last year, but I honestly don't think I was right for that role anyway, at least not at that moment in time. Pulling affection out of me was like pulling teeth. I think I'm in a better place now, and in a better part. Only time will tell.

I also got into college! Of course I write a whole rant about wanting to be in college soon and I get in the next day. After waiting for a month or so I was accepted into Drexel University's Screenwriting and Playwriting program! I'm so relieved, at least I know some place wants me. Not to mention it's one of my top choice schools. Plus, I finally got all my college apps out, so I don't have to worry about that anymore! Now we start the waiting game...March be swift!

I feel like I'm getting excited for Christmas too early. It's only December 1st, and I'm feeling super-festive. My tree is up, my lights are out...I just haven't done any shopping yet. I can't wait to see New York all dressed up in its holiday finery tomorrow when I see Ragtime with some kids from my English class. This really is the most magical time to be in the city, and I get to go twice in two weeks! That might be a bit of city-overload, considering I went a few weeks ago, but I don't think I can get all that sick of my place of birth. Besides, Manhattan is so massive, there's always something new to explore.

Things are lookin' up. :)

Hi Mr. Ecklund!

Oh, P.S. Go buy the New Moon soundtrack. Sure, the movie has no plot, but that is $14 well spent. Trust me.