I think I've got cabin fever. Thanks to the Snowpocalypse of 2o10, I've been stuck in my house since Tuesday night. School's been closed and it's too cold to go out and I don't even own a sled so I wouldn't have anything to do anyway. So all I can do is sit in my house, not do my homework and think about how lost in the world I am. I don't have a clue who I am. I mean, I guess I'm still forming an idea of who I am. Ever since I moved to Pennsylvania in fourth grade my life has been a series of questions...
Am I a New Yorker or a Philadelphian?
Am I a Catholic or...nothing?
Am I liberal or conservative?
Am I a feminist?
Do I value my family or my friends more? Is that a stupid question?
Do I really want to be an actress/writer/director/journalist/assistant to the regional manager?
Am I pro-life or pro-choice?
Do I really believe in all this alternative medicine that my mom has based her career on (i.e. Feng Shui, homeopathic medicine)?
Why do I feel uncomfortable discussing my personal life with people while I love hearing what other people are doing and feel like I have to keep up?
Do I want to go to school far away or nearby?
Am I really a part of the Class of 2010?
Am I missing out on the normal high school party experience?
Why can't I be fine the way I am?
The answers to most these questions have always been "in between". Most of my conscious years have been spent in the suburbs of Philly, but because of my family New York will always have a special place in my heart. Maybe I'll end up moving there someday. I didn't really like NYU when I visited it and sometimes I have a hard time explaining to adamant NYU-lovers why. I guess I'm just not ready to be thrust into the big city just yet. I'll take some baby steps before I can get myself there. I always knew I never belonged in Jersey. Even today the people I knew then are pretty different from myself. I needed to be somewhere a little more down to earth.
I guess I'm a Catholic in practice; I go to church as often as I can, I believe in God...I just don't have another explanation for why things are the way they are. I looked out onto the gorgeous mountains and valleys and rainforests of Costa Rica and I just thought...this can't be an accident. But at the same time the Catholic church itself makes me angry - the hierarchy, the shunning - it's kind of dumb. We should love everyone regardless of who they love or whatever choices they've made in their life. I guess I'm somewhere in between pro-life and pro-choice. I would never feel comfortable killing something that does have life and energy, but I'm not going to shun someone who has made that choice. Sometimes there's no other option. And why the hell should Congress decide what I do with my body for me? The majority of them are upper class men in their 50s and 60s, they don't know how I feel, or how some poor woman who can't even support herself feels. And yeah, I think men and women are all created equal, but I'm not a feminist. I'm not radical. Shit, I don't even know if I'm liberal. I'm so conservative in my own conduct - I'm not one to riot, I don't drink or do drugs, I cover up, there's a certain degree of comfort I think you should have with a person before you risk making babies with them - but politically, I'm pretty liberal.
I don't have an answer for the rest of the questions. I love my parents, but sometimes I need to get away from them. I guess that's healthy. I have my own life. I probably won't know what I want to do with my life until I try everything. Maybe this screenwriting thing will work out, maybe it won't. I won't know until I try. I'm not ashamed of anything I've done, but sometimes I have a hard time sharing it with people. I want to share girl talk with my friends but at the same time I'm afraid of being judged on what I have or have not done. It's dumb, but I guess it comes with being a girl. I'll shake it soon enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on the high school party scene, but truthfully I've never even been comfortable watching a bunch of people who I barely know get shit-faced. I'm one for small hang-outs. Senior week may promise a mix of this, and I'm coming to terms with that. I'm trying to learn how stick to my own values without sounding like a judgmental mom, all while actually having FUN. I work so hard that sometimes I forget what it feels like to have fun.
So I guess all these answers will come in due course. I know I'm going to change throughout my life. There's no definitive answer to the question of who I am, there's only the question of who I am right now. The journey comes in being comfortable with who I am right now. And that's what I need to work on.
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I see that I'm not the only one in the political mindset this week!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you are feeling, being a senior in high school is beyond difficult; you are about to enter "the real world" and become an actual "adult." It's funny though, I have been in college for over a semester now and I am more confused than ever. The truth is that the questions never stop coming, they only build up over time and you will never answer all of them.
You are an amazing person. You are a beautiful girl. You are extremely talented. You are very intelligent and mature. And you are also only human, so don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect or to have all of the answers just yet.
When it comes to the party thing- don't worry. I didn't touch anything until college (and even now I do it in moderation) and I don't feel like I missed out on anything. In fact, I am proud of myself for waiting until college to experiment.
Annndd I think you are wonderful = ] don't forget that.
Charlotte, you are definitely part of the class of 2010--I can't imagine our grade without you! And I feel the same way about the party scene in high school. We're probably not missing much, but in the meantime I think our group of friends should take advantage of our second semester seniority and get together more--but not necessarily booze it up. We should go into Philly more, for starters...Anyway, I didn't know that you want to be a screenwriter. That's so cool! You'd be such a pro at it. Another career I've always envisioned for you is a pop culture pundit. Then you would be able to say that all those hours spent watching "I Love the 70s/80s/90s/00s" were not a waste of time--they were simply helping you prepare for your future career. But seriously, you'd be an awesome pundit.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I have to bring up, being the hard-core feminist that I am, is the statment about how you're not a feminist, but you believe that men and women are all created equal. That is feminism, babycakes! It has nothing to do with belief in female superiority--that's just the far right media trying to turn "feminism" into a dirty word. I realize that you made no accusations about feminism, so sorry if this is stuff you're already aware of. Okay, I'm stepping off my soapbox now.
Anyway, there's a really funny feminist and pop-culture blogger named Amanda Marcotte, and I thought you might like her post, since it's about Diablo Cody: crap, I can't get the hyperlink to work. Nevermind. Just keep up the good blog posts!